


Answers

by PatPrecieux



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/pseuds/PatPrecieux
Summary: The Questions have been asked. Now the answers must be faced.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A follow-up to my series, Questions. Answers can bring pain, or clarity, or revelation. Or all of those. 
> 
> This is after the "hug" and before the "cliffhanger".

Two men sat alone on opposite sides of London each seeking answers. The questions had been hard enough, but now?

In his lower level flat, John Watson held his baby girl Rosie in his arms, trying to give her comfort and care in place of the Mother she would never know.

 

Up seventeen stairs at Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes held, in his hands, Billy, the grinning skull.

 

Both men, having found a confidant who would not talk back, began to speak to their captive audience.

 

"Why? Why Rosie after everything, did I get involved with him again. Christ, Mrs.Hudson cries, Mycroft basically begs, or what passes for begging for "the reptile", and your bossy dead mum nags me and there we are. The answer is, it's who I am, dammit."

 

Why? Why Billy, did I listen to that ridiculous request from Mary. 'Go to hell Sherlock' she says, and the best I can do is muddle my brain with drugs. As if he doesn't have enough burdens, now here we are again. No mystery there, sorry to say, it's who I am." 

 

"What? What was that yesterday Rosie, nerves, stress, guilt? Nerves over being back in our flat, Sherlock's flat I mean? Stress over his drug use? Guilt over hitting, no beating, him? I kicked him while he was on the floor, bleeding. He let me, thought he deserved it. He didn't Rosie. And then in our, shit, HIS sitting room, I cried harder than you have ever done. He held me and hugged me, and I let him. What do I do with that? Only thing I can do, accept it."

 

"What? What was I to do Billy? He was crying, my friend John doesn't cry. There WAS that time at my grave, but it was a windy day. The eyes will water in wind won't they? But this was, I can't process, he was sobbing. I didn't know what to do. I never know what to do with emotions. Only I had to do SOMETHING, so I held him in my arms and hugged him. He let me. What do I do with that? Be grateful for my mind palace and accept it."

 

"How? How do I choose a path now Rosie, a path for you and me? How do I forgive myself for not being there for all of you, my child, my wife, my friend? You need a stable Father. Your mum needed a faithful husband, even if I only cheated in my mind, I still did. My friend needs, Jesus only knows with him, but he DOES need. How do I deal with all that? I guess, just for once, be willing to admit that not everything is always my fault."

 

"How? How Billy am I to deal with all these thoughts? John is blaming himself for being human, it isn't fair. He is a good Father, he was a good husband despite temptation, and he never failed as my friend, never. How do I help him? I have to make him see, not everything is his fault."

 

"When? When Rosie will things ever feel normal again? When will I be able to eat and sleep and CARE about things, care about people? When will life be worth living again? Simple, when I give myself permission to be happy."

 

"When? When will order be restored to the universe Billy? When will my every waking moment, NOT be filled with sentiment? It is maddening, yet I can't seem to close that door in my mind palace that I never wanted to open. When does the torment end? The solution is disturbing but clear, when I allow myself to FEEL."

 

"Where? Where do I find peace Rosie? At Baker Street yesterday was the first time in weeks I felt like some small part of John Watson was still inside me. Where do I belong? I think I know this answer best, but it's the one that scares me the most. I belong at the side of my friend."

 

"Where? Where do I see myself Billie, now, next month, years from now? Here, Sussex, a mental ward? Strangely, the one place I can no longer see myself is the one place I was most secure, ALONE. Where do I belong? I belong at the side of my friend."

 

"Who? Who is a better listener than my beautiful girl, eh? Who else will accept me as I am, faults and all? Who else would ever love me? Well, poppet, that's the hardest question with the easiest answer. There's no one who would love me, there's ONE who's ALWAYS loved me. Sherlock Holmes."

 

"Who? Who has a greater appreciation of my oratory skills than you dear old Billy? Who could listen to my deductions, my snide remarks, my superior intellect without hating me? Who could even like me? That is the question? The answer? Elementary my dear Billy. Someone who tolerates me, likes me, loves me. I only have the one, John Watson."

 

Later in the day, John watched his daughter sleep, and began to feel his heart beating again.

 

Sherlock had put Billy back in pride of place on the mantle with a cigarette in his mouth. The fact that Sherlock no longer indulged didn't mean someone shouldn't enjoy. Smirking, he reached for his phone just as it alerted a text.

 

Busy? - JW

 

Just conversing with the skull. - SH

 

Witty is he? - JW

 

Not as much as some. You? - SH

 

Been conversing with Rosie. - JW

 

Teaching her to solve cases? - SH

 

More like answer questions. You asked me about seeing Rosie. Tonight good for you? Feel like company. - JW

 

That is acceptable, I mean, good. Company's good. - SH

 

I'll cook shall I? That thing with the peas? - JW 

 

John, IS there a thing with peas? - SH 

 

Must be, keeps coming up. - JW 

 

Fine, I'll bring wine and milk. - SH

 

I need milk. - JW 

 

Seven then? - SH 

 

Great. I'm HAPPY you're coming, Sherlock. - JW 

 

I FEEL the same, John. - SH 

 

We'll eat, and I'll even let you talk me into playing a game. - John 

 

Till tonight then, and I've already chosen the game. Truth or Dare. - Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> I have spent my afternoon reading and enjoying the many fix-it stories for TLD. This is a different view.
> 
> I think the scene between Sherlock and John at 221B was just right. No fix necessary.
> 
> These two men, that WE ALL love, have both been to hell and back. I've said before, I'm an, ahem, mature writer and I see reality through the eyes of experience.
> 
> That tearful hug, between two forty something men, one of whom is coming down from drugs, and the other consumed with guilt and grief, is greater proof of passion and love than any kiss or sex scene.
> 
> Do I want Johnlock? Oh, God Yes! But in it's way, THIS was it.


End file.
